Traveling Abroad: When the honeymoon phase of the BIG decision starts to wear off

Ok here it is... I am finally telling someone! We are leaving to travel the world!! Quitting our jobs, pausing my education in my graduate school program, and becoming minimalist to free ourselves from the chains of modern society. I can't settled down yet. I can't sit in an office from 9am-5pm, Monday thru Friday, waiting for the weekend. I want to live ALL the time, to just for the weekends. I want to learn how to be happy, authentically, from the inside out. I want to discover my purpose in life. Why am I put onto this planet? I want to understand other cultures and other people. When I die, I want to leave the world as a place filled with less hate and more love. I don't know how to do that. So in order to figure that out, I need to understand people. What causes them to hate others? What are their fears? What is their purpose in life... or do they know? What makes them get out of bed in the morning? I want to explore this world and the ginormous variety of humans that live in it.

So we've made the decision to just go. There will always be "a better time". We could always save more money. There will always be a plethora of reasons why NOT to do this. And it is for that reason that we have decided to just rip the bandaid off. We aren't getting any younger. The plane tickets are purchased. Most of the big expensive gear is purchased. We have told our immediately families. We have a plan for our dog. Holy shit.

Things we still need to do... tell aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and friends. Tell our jobs that we are leaving. File a leave of absence form for school. Sell our cars. Sell other small useless crap. Consultation with the travel clinic. Doctors appointments galore... gynecologist, dentists, regular MD, psychologist. Order remaining essentials. Plan second portion of trip. The list goes on.

Every day, sometimes every hour even, brings about a range of emotions. Some days I am so happy and excited. I feel so lucky to have a partner who is willing to embark on such an epic journey with me. Other days, all I can think is "What the f*** am I doing?!!!" I am quitting a job that I love, taking a break from my graduate school program that I am highly passionate about, temporarily parting from my beloved fur babies (who I hurt being away from for just one week.. much less a whole year!). Am I incredibly stupid? Incredibly brave? Ugh. I can hear my therapist voice now and the many DBT sessions we have had. Perhaps, I am both. At the SAME TIME. I am stupid, I am brave, I am happy, I am sad, I am excited, I am scared.... again, the list could go on. It is a tumultuous cocktail that has me reeling from one side to another and then every other point in between. I am exhausted yet feel so energized. Why so many dichotomous feelings! That definitely leads to feels of insecurity... and... well, the best way to say it is still... "what the f*** am I doing??!!!!!!!!"

Yet, when I think about the flip side, I know with 100% certainty that I can't stay where I am if I want to grow into a stronger, better, smarter, more well-rounded person that I want to be. I absolutely love my job. It is one of the more painful parts about this decision. It would be easier to to this if I hated my life and just wanted to escape. But I don't necessarily want to escape... I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to expand. So I have to gently remind myself, this is not a permanent thing. I plan on coming home. If I still want my old job back, I am very confident with my work there that I could go through the necessary hops to be considered for a job. Nothing is permanent. Change is the only constant. Why is that lesson so dang hard to remember!!?

The other piece of this whole decision that absolutely breaks my heart and IS WITHOUT A DOUBT the MOST DIFFICULT part of this, is leaving our fur babies. We have two amazing kitties and the most perfect boy dog. They are my everything and constantly give me joy, unconditional love, and entertainment. My life would not be the same without them. In my perfect world where I got everything my way, the kitties would go live with my sister and her husband. I know them and love them, and most importantly trust them. But we have yet to hear their decision. While I want the kitties to live with my sister and brother-in-law, I DO NOT want the kitties living there if it is going to inconvenience them at all. The would breed resentment and would cause more damage than good. Hopefully, they will be honest with their decision and we can all do what is best for everyone. I will miss the kitties more than anything. I honestly can't think about it for too long because I start to cry, and I just can't start crying yet! Our boy dog is going to live with the hubby's parents because that is where he grew up and they love the pup SO MUCH! It will make them very happy. That's all that I can say about that at this moment.

 

But since that mostly likely can't happen... I would love for the kitties to go live temporarily with my sister and brother-in-law. I know them and love them, and most importantly, trust them. But we have yet to hear their decision. While I want the kitties to live with my sister and brother-in-law, I DO NOT want the kitties living there if it is going to inconvenience them at all. The would breed resentment and would cause more damage than good. Hopefully, they will be honest with their decision and we can all do what is best for everyone. I will miss the kitties more than anything. I honestly can't think about it for too long because I start to cry, and I just can't start crying yet! Our boy dog is going to live with the hubby's parents because that is where he grew up and they love the pup SO MUCH! It will make them very happy. That's all that I can say about that at this moment.

Well this is all that I have for tonight. I am emotionally exhausted from writing this. But thanks, internet, for letting me get my thoughts out. Soon I am going to write about the loss of my therapist. It has hurt more than I ever anticipated. So without her in my life now, I need an outlet to put my thoughts. This is it.

-e